


reel against your body's borders

by montivagant



Series: we should run away, oh someday [3]
Category: Batman (Comics), Iron Man (Comics), Under the Red Hood
Genre: Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Character Death, Post-Iron Man #182, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 02:04:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19097536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/montivagant/pseuds/montivagant
Summary: fancy summary tbd i'm really tired rn. tony has A Time and jason carries him to bed that's what ur here for right? cool





	reel against your body's borders

**Author's Note:**

> I'M BACK TO MY ROOTS. my roots are hozier titles. this one's from to be alone by hozier and it's also where the series title is from!
> 
> italics at the beginning are direct quotes from gretl in iron man #182

The smell of vomit is the first thing to even start covering up the smell of whiskey hovering around him, putting him half into the past and half here, knees aching on cold tile, elbows creaking with the strain of holding himself up.

He can't quite remember how he got here. All he remembers is.. is... being outside. It's warmer out now, than it was. He remembers a person, he thinks.

There's a person here now too, he thinks. In the here-and-now, not the here-and-then. He... he thinks.

"Gretl?" He chokes out, dreading, hoping.

His name isn't returned to him, in her voice, a voice seared into his brain, forever he thinks.

_Take care of him. The only kid I'll ever have._

"I'm sorry. I'm _sorry_ Gretl. I lost him. No, no. I'm lying. I _left_ him."

He can feel something new now, tears dribbling down his cheeks. The salt of them a stark contrast to the lingering taste of vomit coating his lips.

The cold of the tile feels familiar now, a kind of welcoming he remembers from falling asleep then, in the snow. But there's nothing warm in his arms, in the here-and-now, just cold porcelain that won't bend in his fingers, not like skin did. While he'd tried so hard, and hoped harder than he ever had before. Before.. before Gretl died.

He's sure that happened now, and it rips a sob out of him. She's _dead_. She's dead and he failed her.

And he still loves her, and he's sure that if she can see him now she wouldn't forgive him. But that's fine, he doesn't deserve forgiveness.

Something changes then, there's warmth on his back. Hands, he thinks. There's noise too, that he thinks are words but they aren't, also. Or maybe they just aren't coming together right.

It breaks inside him. The wave of nausea feels tidal, but there's nothing inside his stomach to throw up anymore, so he just gags over the toilet. It hurts, and the hurt makes him snap fully into the present.

"--here, right here, I'm not moving."

The words feel like a blanket, and he trusts them before his brain remembers who's saying them.

_Jason_.

Jason is right here, with him. And he's not moving, not leaving.

Tony feels his muscles release. His elbows and shoulders droop, and his head follows until it's pressed against the plastic of the toilet seat.

Tony breathes, and doesn't move.

Jason's hand is rubbing circles into his back now, warm and present.

"Water," Tony gets out, eventually. Before he's even finished there's a mug in front of him, held by Jason's free hand.

Tony blinks. And then he moves, it takes a concentrated effort, but his fingers release their grip, his head picks up, he leans back instead of forward.

One of his hands takes the mug, flexing slightly to ease the stiffness. His first gulp of water gets washed around his mouth and spat back out into the toilet. The second and third as well, but the fourth goes down. It feels settling, just going through the motions of being a person.

He can feel Jason moving behind him, until there's a larger warmth at his back--the man's not exactly hugging him, but he's there for Tony to lean against.

It's.. nice.

"I shouldn't. Um. I shouldn't stay in here." The cold isn't helping to keep him in the present, Jason's warmth is what's doing that.

"Can you stand?"

"I.." his voice breaks, "I don't know."

"That's fine." Jason's voice is soft, and he moves again. The warmth leaves a bit, and then comes back, this time pressed against different points of his body.

Tony's up in the air before he registers exactly what's going on.

"Just stay with me okay? You're right here, right now. You're inside the apartment, I'm carrying you to the bed. That's where you are."

A knot inside of him softens, unties. "Okay," soft.

"It's April 7th, 2009. You're in Gotham. It's not winter, you're not in New York."

They're entering the bedroom then, and Jason moves Tony to one arm to free the other--which Tony absentmindedly registers as being very hot--and pull down some of the blankets before putting Tony down.

For a second, really just a second, Jason isn't touching him and Tony can feel it--but then he's back, and they're both in bed, and they're both under the multiple blankets.

It's warm.

"What happened?"

"I.. I don't know."

Jason's rubbing circles into his back again.

"Who's Gretl?"

Tony visibly winces.

"If you need to, I'm here, I'll listen."

"She died. In front of me. Of--of cold, and stress and probably a hundred other things."

Tony goes quiet, and Jason waits.

"Her baby didn't. She asked me to keep him safe. Alive. I kept him alive. I did it. I.."

Tony trails off for a long time now.

"She died before I could. I was ready to. I welcomed it. But Gretl... and the baby. They reminded me, we all deserve life. Even if we need help to keep it. Especially if we need help."

Jason doesn't move, captivated by how much Tony's telling him, laying himself bare.

"I would not.. welcome death now. As I did then. I.. I think I deserve life."

"I'm still learning that," soft.

"It's hard." Tony breathes, for a minute. "I don't recommend the high stakes scenario I was in. Very cold. Had to figure out how to hold a baby."

Jason smiles softly, "always the hardest part."

"Will you stay?" Tony's voice is quiet, unsure.

"I'll be here till you ask me to leave."

"I'm.. tired. I'm going to--I'm probably. Will have a nightmare.

"Do you want me to wake you up?"

"..only if I start screaming."

Jason nods. "Okay. I'm not leaving you."

Tony pauses for a minute, lets himself believe Jason. It feels.. good. "Okay." His voice feels small.


End file.
